If You Wish For Something Useless - Chapter 18

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Chapter 18 – Cracks (3)

Running from the office then returning, Ethan was strange. Everything could be explained in that one word. If Evelyn had to pick out the strangest thing about him… it was that his tenacious, persistent gaze disappeared. It meant that he, who had always stared straight at Evelyn, started avoiding her eyes.

After entering the drawing-room, he just sat on the sofa with a movement as stiff as a piece of wood. It seemed he was clinging to the back of the sofa, as if trying to be as far from her as possible. It was only natural for Evelyn to feel uncomfortable.

‘Why all of a sudden?’

After making her drunk with his kindness to the fullest, to the point she didn’t want to let go, was he taking it away as he pleased? Was there anything worse than this?

Because she did not hide her uncomfortable emotions, the atmosphere in the drawing-room was awkward. It was not surprising that the servants who served tea and dessert talked about their quarrel; because both Evelyn and Ethan’s expressions were stiff.

Ethan would normally have asked what she had been up to in the two days when he couldn’t see her face properly. Someone who had always wanted to be by her side and anxiously made his best to make conversation, was now before her showing clear signs of discomfort.

‘What the hell is this?’

Evelyn’s eyes narrowed, embracing her dissatisfaction.

“Are you worried about something?”

If she didn’t know why she should find out. If Ethan was a person who used to hide and avoid his feelings, she would have done the same, but since that wasn’t the case, she thought it would be faster to ask. No, it had to be fast. Normally it would have been like that.

“Nothing.”

But not today. Today he was different from usual. Ethan’s voice was curt, avoiding answering. Evelyn’s expression stiffened. His honesty was a warmth poured into her, and Evelyn wanted to continue to enjoy it. She wanted to be convinced that that warmth she liked so much was still hers. Nevertheless, far from giving her what she wanted, Ethan was rather running away. Under these circumstances, Evelyn had no choice but to pursue him.

“If that’s the case, that’s a relief.”

Her words sounded light but Evelyn smiled brightly.

“Are you okay now?”

“…Thanks to you.”

“I was worried a lot, but I’m glad to see that Brother is well now.”

It was true that she was glad that he had quickly left his bed and got up. She had been receiving full reports from the Archduke’s physician and the resident priest, but she felt relieved only after witnessing the recovery herself. She let Ethan play in the snow for no reason, and self-criticism and regret followed Evelyn. Even though he was a healthy person he could have spent a few more days being ill.

Evelyn clicked her tongue inwardly and decided to order a few more coats for Ethan’s closet. She hurriedly picked out some of the ready-made products of good quality but was not satisfied with them. In the future, it will be colder than now, so she must prepare in advance.

“…I’m sorry for making you worry.”

Her mind that was floating far away was brought back to earth. Ethan, still speaking in a hard tone without looking at her, blew away all other thoughts.

“I have to apologize. I kept thinking about whether I was careless or not.”

Blinking, Ethan looked a bit more responsive, as expected.

“What…?”

“Brother is unfamiliar with the climate of Fedora, but I let you be in the snow for too long.”

“Uh…”

“It’s all my fault…”

“Oh no! No!”

Finally, Ethan’s gaze reached Evelyn for the first time since entering the drawing-room. Even then, he ran away in the blink of an eye.

“Why do you think that? It’s what I wanted, don’t worry about it. It’s embarrassing to even call it an illness. I am fine.”

Evelyn’s eyes narrowed again. It seemed that he still cared about her… but why did it feel different? It was a brief conflict.

‘Do you want to keep floating in doubt? Or should I just ask the same as before?’

Evelyn had become accustomed to Ethan in less than a month and now, overcome with impatience, chose the latter.

“Perhaps…”

Her voice was a little hoarse.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Otherwise, she thought there was no reason for Ethan’s attitude to change so suddenly, so she asked directly. There was actually one thing she could point out. Evelyn, who had reserved her words as if reading the room, spoke with difficulty.

“Are you offended because I didn’t let you leave your bedroom for a few days?”

‘Would this be how a thief feels after confessing?’

Evelyn didn’t want Ethan to get sick, so she took hard measures and supervised the physician herself. As a result, she heard that Ethan was suffocating in his confinement. If he was offended by such a response… she was going to be honest and apologize.

“If that’s the case, I’m sorry. I was worried, so I…”

Was it wrong to expect Ethan to return to his usual state after doing this?

“That… You don’t have to worry about it.”

Ethan didn’t give her what she wanted. He continued to maintain his distance. It was the first time that something like this happened since they met at the gates of the Great Castle.

Evelyn bit her lip.

‘What’s the matter? Why did Ethan suddenly want to widen the distance between us?’

Even before she could finish her thoughts, Ethan jumped up from his seat.

“Today, today I’ll… just go back. Tomorrow… yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Then he left the drawing-room without giving her time to try to stop him. She stared blankly at his back as she clenched the hands on her thighs.

He used to give her sweet hope that she had no choice but to hold on while criticizing her own foolishness. Was he trying to steal it away like this; wasn’t he too cruel? If he was going to do this in the first place, he shouldn’t have given hope to her who had made up her mind.

‘It can’t be like this. Not now.’

After letting go of her lip, Evelyn jumped up from her seat as if following Ethan. Her rapid steps quickly led her out of the drawing-room. As soon as she stepped through the door and into the hallway, she didn’t have to go far to find Ethan standing there, stunned. What was he thinking so deeply that he didn’t even notice Evelyn approaching? Evelyn was going to catch him so he couldn’t run away any longer. She reached out and grabbed Ethan’s arm, determined to hold him with all her might. Thanks to this, she felt how hurriedly Ethan pulled his arm as if it burnt.

Ethan shook off Evelyn’s hand with a sharp movement. Looking down at her with a stiff face, he left without giving her a proper explanation.

Shocked, Evelyn froze on the spot. And she just stared at Ethan’s back with a stupid expression on her face.

Ethan rejected her.

Although he returned to the drawing-room while trying to suppress his confusion, Ethan ran away again. He was having a hard time being in the same room with Evelyn. The eyes staring straight at him and the body temperature that touched him naturally became burdensome even though he didn’t want it like that. A few minutes ago, he would have just accepted it all with joy, but now he was overly conscious of it.

He didn’t even realize that someone was approaching, but as soon as he felt the touch on his arm, he knew the owner of the warmth was Evelyn. It reminded him of a moment he would have preferred to forget. The moment he recalled the soft body he was holding while drunk and the body temperature he was longing for in his arms, his heart raced with a strange beat. He was just confused because he didn’t know where the beating started.

The warm fluttering disappeared, and all that was left was a sense of wavering heat. The unfamiliar experience jarred Ethan’s head, leaving his thoughts tangled in a mess. He ruffled his hair roughly and stared at his hand.

The feeling that still remained engulfed his heart. He wanted to feel it again, and he wanted to enjoy the feeling that coursed through the palm of his hand. He didn’t know what kind of desire it was, but he could recognize that it was strange.

“This…”

After forcibly rolling his brain, he found an excuse for a moment.

“Yeah, a cold.”

‘I think my cold is still bad. There is a fever left. That’s all.’ Ethan shook his head with a still stiff face. ‘I think I need to take a little bit of the cold wind.’

“I should go out.”

Ethan walked to the stables with Philman following as always.

‘If I ride a horse into the fierce cold of Fedora, this strange heat will quickly cool down.’

As soon as he got on the horse and left the Great Castle, he thought it would be possible.

Three hours had passed since Ethan left as if running away. Meanwhile, silence lingered in Evelyn’s office. She was alone in her thoughts, bitten by all of those who came to her mind. Thanks to this, she couldn’t even begin her work today. Evelyn’s worries, which had put off all her work, were long.

‘Shall I go to Ethan first? Should I be persistent to find out what happened?’ Instead of moving as hastily as before, cautiously, carefully…

“But then…”

‘What if he shakes me off again?’ When she remembered the moment Ethan threw her hand away, she choked up, and sadness arose.

Ethan’s stiff appearance at the time was overlaid with the figure of the Archduke looking at her when her identity was revealed.

‘I can’t believe you’re so cold-hearted all of a sudden after patting someone so sweetly that it makes people feel like melting.’

She wanted to go to Ethan right away and press him for an answer, but she was afraid.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

Her hesitation only deepened because of his words. Taking a deep, long breath, Evelyn closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair. The sudden change in Ethan’s attitude made her feel anxious. She would rather he wasn’t nice to her from the beginning. Then she wouldn’t have been so agitated just because her hand was pushed away.

“Now…”

Evelyn chewed her lip, sulking at Ethan’s ruthless change of behavior. It was almost a month. Nearly a month has passed since Ethan’s arrival, and she hadn’t had any problems so far.

‘It would be nice if every moment was the same without changing, but suddenly why?’

If Ethan hadn’t acted weird so abruptly, she would have greeted that day with ease, but what is this?

Five days until her coming-of-age ceremony. Only five days. Nothing will happen in the meantime. She will pass it without any problems as she is now. Evelyn clicked her tongue briefly and opened her eyes.

‘Let’s just wait one day. Didn’t Ethan mention tomorrow himself?’

There must be a reason she doesn’t know. Waiting for a while would make no difference.

“How did I feel…”

‘I held it back.’

Nothing should change.

It was right after she took a deep breath, the loud and high sound of a horn was heard. It was the emergency signal.

Evelyn rose from her seat immediately and left her office.

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