The Greatest Secret Agent of All Time - Chapter 27

Chapter 27: Conquering All With Unparalleled Style!

Translator: Nyoi-Bo Studio

Editor: Nyoi-Bo Studio

How scary could a cauldron of boiling hot oil be?

The people of this world did not know what the temperature of boiling oil was? But everyone had seen fried chicken, popcorn, and deep-fried dough sticks.

You put white meat down to be fried, and if you paid no heed to it, it could quickly become charred to a crisp.

Usually, when boiling hot oil splattered onto one’s body, it would hurt so much that one would almost jump in pain.

This act of directly jumping into the cauldron of hot oil should cause such an unbearable pain that one would rather die than live through it.

If that wasn’t the case, why would the Cauldron of Boiling Oil be one of the punishments of the 18 levels of hell?

Everyone in the audience waited for the gruesome scene to happen. They were all waiting for Yun Zhonghe to let out some unprecedented cries and screams of misery, and subsequently, to detect the smell of fried meat.

Yun Zhonghe did indeed let out some cries.

No… This… This cry was a little… bizarre.

“Ah…”

“Oh…”

“Feels so good, simply too good…”

“It so happens that I’ve not taken a bath for the past ten or more days. This is a good time for me to get clean. Wash till I’m white. Scrub till I’m white,” Yun Zhonghe said.

In the cauldron of hot oil, Yun Zhonghe was actually taking a bath in a leisurely and easy-going manner.

This was, of course, a fake cauldron of hot oil. There was a heat-insulating layer right below the huge cauldron, and it was filled with acetic acid and borax, with a layer of oil floating on the very top. This was just a prop that Jing Wubian used to test how much guts Yun Zhonghe had.

Based on the visual effects, it looked like there were waves of smoke tumbling about in the air and hot oil boiling in the cauldron. In truth, the temperature was only around 60 degrees.

Not only did Yun Zhonghe begin to bathe, he even took off his shirt and pants while in the cauldron and threw them out one by one.

“Excuse me? Do you have any soap? Where’s the soap?”

“None at all. Then I’ll just dry-rub myself,” he continued.

“Sister Cold Jade, do you want to come in here and join me in taking a bath together? We can take a mandarin duck bath together, how about that?” he asked.

“Given this scene, I’m going to recite a poem: Duck, duck, duck, quacking to the sky with neck un-curved. Your sweat and hair float on the yellow waters, and your magical palm stirs golden waves on the lake surface.”

Yun Zhonghe raised his long neck as he was reciting the poem, and flung his unkempt, dirty hair that looked just like weeds.

This scene was really one akin to the rolling thunder in a thunderstorm.

The entire hall was still in dead silence.

Did we not come today to watch someone’s execution? How had it become a beggar putting up a ridiculous comedy routine?

“Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap…” Jing Wubian raised both hands high and clapped.

“Interesting, interesting… You’re so freaking not afraid of death,” Jing Wubian said.

“There are many people who feign madness and act like idiots in this world, and basically, I kill every one of them that I see.”

“There are also many people who are genuinely lunatics in this world. They are really no different from the walking dead.”

“There’s only one kind of person who is truly a rare existence in this world. They are half crazy and half sober, but they are also the ones with the greatest agony,” Jing Wubian continued.

“Yun AoTian, to hell with you. Couldn’t you have come up with a more decent fake name? Who would give their child such a name? What a feud those parents must have had with their child in their previous life.”

Jing Wubian raised his hand slightly and said, “Yun AoTian, we’ll just write off the matter of you having offended me once and for all. You’re an interesting person and also a real lunatic who put on such an amazing show at the cost of your life. Tonight, I’m delighted. You may live; there’s no need for you to die!”

Then Jing Wubian turned to Lady Cold Jade and said, “Sister, as you know too, my brain doesn’t function normally. It’s hard to come by a lunatic who also doesn’t have a normal brain. I would like to spare his life, may I?”

Lady Cold Jade said, “I’ve killed countless people. They are either spies from the surrounding powers or traitors in the City of Torn Gust. All of them are elite and strong men. When I see a rat, I can stomp on it to kill it, but I can also choose not to stomp on it and let it go.”

“Thank you, sister,” Jing Wubian said.

“Wubian, are you going to adopt this rat as a pet?” Lady Cold Jade asked.

Of course, ‘this rat’ referred to Yun Zhonghe.

Jing Wubian looked at Yun Zhonghe, who was still in the cauldron of hot oil, and said indifferently, “You’ve racked your brains and sought the means to do all of this just to get me to take you in, right? You just want to get into the residence of the castellan, right?”

Yun AoTian, oh, no, Yun Zhonghe, did not say anything. (Holy crap, even I, myself, am getting carried away)*

Jing Wubian went on to say, “Sorry… No way! Yun AoTian, you’re very interesting. Much more interesting that anyone around me, but you are not lowly enough. You are not going to be a good dog, and you will not be a good pet.”

Yun Zhonghe said, “That’s also a coincidence. I was trying to enter the residence of the castellan, and I did want Master Jing Wubian to take me in. But I requested that you invite me here with eight big palanquins. Today, I’m caught here instead. This sincerity of yours is not enough, so I’m also not willing to be taken under your wing just like that.”

“Eight palanquins? Are you expecting me to marry you into my residence?” Jing Wubian asked. “Men, send this Mr. Yun AoTian out. Throw him back wherever he came from and from now on, ignore him. No matter how exciting his performance is, no matter how hard he tries, it’s useless.”

Jing Wubian’s words would mean that the doors of the residence of the castellan would be closed entirely to Yun Zhonghe and that he would not be accepted there for life.

If that was the case, would it not be that all his previous efforts would come to naught?

“Take him away. Take him away. Give him a hundred sycees and take it as payment for tonight’s performance.” Jing Wubian waved his hand and could not help but start scratching again. His face was twitching again. He was clearly feeling another attack of throbbing pain.

A few warriors stepped forward and wanted to fish Yun Zhonghe out of the cauldron of hot oil so that they could throw him back to Yan Shu Hutong and let him go on with his fortune-telling.

Yun Zhonghe said, “Master Jing, you have a problem that ails your mind, but you’re unable to disclose it. Usually, you don’t dare to drink water, right? Because every time you pee, it hurts like a knife cutting you. But the more it feels like that, the more urgent the need to pee. The more you pee, the more painful it gets. It is simply to the point where you hurt like hell. You often see blood in your pee, and it’s even starting to rot and form pus, right?”

“Ah? How did you know?” Jing Wubian suddenly shuddered.

“Shh, shh, shh, shh…” Yun Zhonghe started to mouth shushing sounds.

D*mn, d*mn, d*mn!

Hearing this sound, Jing Wubian’s entire body shivered and convulsed in severe pain.

“You, you freaking want to die, courting your own doom….” Jing Wubian screamed in a frenzied manner as he desperately clamped his legs together as tight as he could.

It was not that he didn’t want to go to the bathroom, but that the thought of the severe pain he had to go through whenever he peed really made him feel like killing himself. So now, he did not dare to drink water, nor did he dare to drink wine.

And that was the reason why he was so grumpy and hot-tempered lately, as well as why he always wanted to feed people to the tiger without much cause.

The key reason was that this was something embarrassing to talk to outsiders about. He had sought help from all the doctors, but still, he found no cure.

Even if he would occasionally feel well for a day or two, his condition would soon relapse.

So, his maniacal manner got even more serious.

How could this be? How could this be?

I am so handsome, but I have to pee so frequently and painfully?

You are not handsome at all, but you do not have to pee so frequently and painfully?

Is there any justice in this world?

Yun Zhonghe could tell that Jing Wubian’s condition was already very, very serious.

Prostatitis was followed by urethritis, which then even led to other kinds of inflammatory conditions. Was it not visible how his face was unusually red, and that he was already starting to become feverish? And his lymph nodes should have swollen up badly. Could it not be seen how he remained seated in his chair without daring to move at all?

And his infertility should also be due to prostatitis, which was the number one cause of infertility in men.

Because of this condition, Jing Wubian had not touched a woman for a very long time. What was the fun in such a life?

In modern society, these two conditions, though not fatal, also made life unbearably painful. Every visit to the toilet was like being executed by a blade or burnt by fire, and one would really be eager enough to trade death for just one pleasurable visit to the toilet.

Yun Zhonghe said, “Master Jing Wubian, I can cure this disease of yours and guarantee that you can have back your carefree and happy life.”

“You must be dreaming!” Jing Wubian said. “More than a dozen imperial physicians from the Southern Zhou Empire and the Great Ying Empire, as well as doctors who specialized in treating intractable and complicated diseases from all over the world, have come to see me, but none could cure me of this disease. You’re just a half-crazy, half-witted charlatan from what I can see, and you’re thinking of curing me of this disease? Dream on!”

“It’s a piece of cake. I just have to refine a few pills, and then, I can assure you that once the medicine takes effect, the symptoms of your condition will vanish.” Yun Zhonghe said, “I, Yun AoTian, am highly knowledgeable and know a lot about many things, like astronomy and geography, yin and yang, and the Eight Trigrams. My literary ability allows me to administer state affairs well and ensure national security, while my martial arts ability enables me to treat venereal diseases. I’m really the number one talent in this world.”

“You really can cure me?” Jing Wubian asked. His face was already becoming a bit more serious.

If not for the performance that Yun Zhonghe had put on just now, he would not have believed the latter at all. But now, he felt that, to a certain extent, Yun Zhonghe really did carry the style of a highly-skilled master.

And this disease had indeed tortured Jing Wubian to the point where his life felt like a living hell. And so, he did not want to miss this opportunity, even if it was just a one in a million chance.

Yun Zhonghe said nonchalantly, “If I can’t alleviate the symptoms of your disease, you can kill me with the most ruthless method available. Send a few men to torment me, Yun AoTian, to death!”

Jing Wubian said, “Yun AoTian, you’re quite an interesting character. I don’t really want to kill you anymore. And with this disease of mine, I’m already somewhat desperate. If you reignite my hopes but eventually end up failing to cure me, the consequences are going to be extremely horrifying.”

At that point in time, Jing Wubian was speaking in a solemn voice.

“Let’s establish a warrant of military order!” Yun Zhonghe pulled a pen out from inside his dirty clothes and said, “Can I have a piece of paper, please?”

Someone quickly passed him a snow-white piece of paper that was embossed with cloud patterns.

“I’m sorry. I’m not used to this kind of paper. Do you have that kind of coarse straw paper? The kind that you use when you go to the restroom,” Yun Zhonghe said. “Seeing this snow-white and smooth piece of rice paper, I will think that it can’t wipe my buttocks clean, and its level of friction is not high enough.”

Holy crap, what the hell is wrong with you?

Soon, someone found him a large piece of straw paper.

Yun Zhonghe was greatly delighted. He licked the brush to wet the ink on it. He then wrote a warrant of military order on the piece of coarse straw paper.

The content read as follows:

“If he can’t cure Master Jing Wubian of his terminal illness, Yun AoTian will be tormented to death.”

Gosh, when had prostatitis and urethritis become terminal illnesses?

Yun Zhonghe said, “If I really cure you of this unbearably painful disease, then you will need eight palanquins to take me back into the residence of the castellan!”

“No problem.” Jing Wubian said, “If you really cure me of my illness, you will be my benefactor. From then on, the residence of the castellan will be your home. I will be your backer. You will be able to walk horizontally, with the power to do whatever you please in the City of Torn Gust.”

“Walk horizontally?” Yun Zhonghe said, “Taking the steps of an overlord who disdains to recognize his kinsmen, not even his closest kin?”

Eh? Why are you placing your focus on this? You are getting off-topic.

Jing Wubian replied, “That’s right.”

Yun Zhonghe said, “Master Jing Wubian, can you perform the steps of an overlord for me? How about a demonstration?”

Jing Wubian was startled for a moment. This… What was the meaning of this? Asking me to put on a show for you? Do you want to die?

“If you are sick, take two steps. Take two steps!” Yun Zhonghe said.

Everyone was greatly shocked. You, Yun AoTian, were just normal for not more than a quarter of an hour, and you are already going crazy again?

You went through great difficulty to walk out of the gates of hell alive, and you simply can’t wait to court your doom?

Master Jing is very temperamental. In provoking him like that, you will die!

Yun Zhonghe said, “Master Jing Wubian, I see that you’re a little depressed. You need to let off some steam, come down and take two steps.”

“If you are not sick, take two steps. Even if you are sick, take two steps. Take two steps!”

“Ha, hahaha…” Jing Wubian narrowed his eyes. He went from feeling angry to busting out in laughter.

Then he actually got off his chair and stepped down. With both arms wide open, both legs spread wide apart, he took arrogant, crab-like steps.

He was really still a psychopath, so temperamental.

But that walk was his masterpiece. It was the thing he was most satisfied with and proud of. And because he was the originator of this crab walk, he used to walk like that all day long.

It was just that since he had fallen sick, he did not dare to walk anymore. He had to walk with his buttocks clenched tightly together, and he felt as though he was walking without a soul.

Now, once again, he was taking the steps of an overlord. Though it was still excruciating, he did feel happy.

Yun Zhonghe said contemptuously, “Master Jing. These steps of an overlord of yours are not authentic; they are not imposing and majestic enough!”

“Bullsh*t, I came up with this crab-like walk of an overlord, and you are saying that I’m not authentic?” Jing Wubian was furious and said, “Be careful, I’ll cut out your tongue and chop off your feet.”

Yun Zhonghe defiantly said, “Just let me show you what an authentic crab-like step of an overlord that disregards all kinsmen looks like.”

Then, Yun Zhonghe flung off the tattered and torn, long beggar robe and made the hall into a fashion runway.

“This is the soul captivating and soul seducing Beauty Step.”

Yun Zhonghe positioned his palms at his waist, swaying gracefully, and walking the way a flirtatious model would.

This was known as the catwalk. It was also the model walk specifically for women. He simply walked on tiptoes since he did not have high heels.

He walked with such grace and elegance that it was really as though he was at the Milan Fashion Week.

Suddenly, everyone was dumbstruck.

This… This beggar, was he really that coquettish?

After reaching the end of the hall using a flamboyant model catwalk, he suddenly turned back sharply.

“Coming up next, I’ll start walking the true steps of an overlord. Music, please.”

Yun Zhonghe began to sing a cheerful song to provide his steps of an overlord with some background music.

“If I want to be willful, I’ll be willful.

I can also be headstrong if I want to be.

Let’s see what any of you can do to me.

If I don’t want to hesitate, I won’t hesitate.

If I don’t want to feel lost, I won’t feel lost.

What else could be more distending that this?”

And so, Yun Zhonghe strutted and swaggered as he sang. He performed the most authentic crab-like steps of an overlord who had no regard for their kinsmen.

The effect was really much cheaper than Shen Teng in the movie “Hello Mr. Billionaire.”

After he was done, Yun Zhonghe even tossed his long, weed-like hair and threw a flirtatious wink at Lady Cold Jade.

I… Holy sh*t!

Once again, everyone in the hall seemed to be struck by thunder and fell dead silent, as though they were watching a clown.

Only Jing Wubian was laughing so hard that he could hardly catch his breath. Only the two psychopaths were having fun on their own.

It was really like how psychotic children were so full of joy. The more he looked at Yun Zhonghe, the more interesting the latter felt to him, and then more he found Yun Zhonghe to his liking.

At that time, he really was a happy Wubian. He raised both hands high and clapped, exposing the wounds on his wrist. There were several wounds, and the latest one was still quite fresh.

The wounds that he had made slitting his wrist to attempt suicide were bone-deep.

***

*A note left by the author.